That tiny voice…

We all hear it.  For some it is a subtle rustle in the grass, a whisper in the wind.  For others it comes in as loud and clear as a squad of cheerleaders chanting from mid-court at halftime. But I believe it is there for all of us.  Our inner voice that talks to us, warns us, supports us and admonishes us.  Periodically or sporadically, we may listen to it or even admit it exists. But I feel that when we heed its tug at the elbow, follow its “do” or “don’t” direction, life can be better and we feel more at peace.

I also believe that nine times out of ten what that voice is saying is correct.  When we keep it on mute, we falter, we stumble. And when we turn up the volume, our decision, our direction, the view ahead can be crystal clear.

Now don’t think I am going all Oprah on you.  I assure you I am not.  I have just become acutely aware in the last few years of this gut response, the aforementioned inner voice, is there and it is calling to us in the most complex and simplest of situations.

For instance, on the most basic level, how often do we ignore the voice that says, “Don’t say that.  Don’t go there with him/her.” And when you do ignore that waving red flag, how is it workin’ for ya, huh?  Your boss liked what you said about the timing of your lunch break and the size of your paycheck?  Your daughter thanked you for telling her she had gained a few over the summer?  Really? For me, most often the big voice is my own ego which is incapable of keeping my mouth shut in a situation where I know before I utter the words they are going to cause me or someone I care about nothing but pain.   But yet, I blurt them out as though I have no control and they forced themselves past tact, empathy and good sense.  And once out, we all know there is no rewind.  Those words just hang there between you and the recipient in an often awkward and ugly silence or erupt into an exchange laden with resentment and hurt.

And nothing can reel those words back in.  Or erase them from the offended’s memory.

Lately, I have been trying to heed that little “don’t say it” warning in my gut.  I would guess I am batting with around 30% success.  It’s so difficult to do because for some reason our mouths move much faster than our pea-sized brains and by the time self control catches up  to “the voice,” the damage is done.

I am worst with those closest to me, my husband being most often the victim of my forked tongue.  If I am in the other room and I hear the snack drawer open or the Dibs box hit the counter, I can’t keep myself from calling in to ask if he didn’t like or have enough dinner. Or if he can see the mandarin oranges in the red mesh bag in the fruit bowl.  What is wrong with me?!  “The voice” is screaming the whole time I am talking that this will get me nowhere but a place filled with silence and resentment.  And yet I harangue on and get what I deserve.  He puts the Dibs on top of coffee ice cream and tops it off with half a bag of cookies just to spite me and remind me he is a grown man with a mind and stomach of his own, neither of which could or should be within my control.

On the flip side, “the voice” can point a new way, a fork in the road and bring a spontaneous string of events that would have been missed if you had stuck strictly to the plan and ignored it.  This happened recently with my two daughers who were shopping with me after Christmas.  Everything about the day has been a bit out of the ordinary.  I rarely have them in the car together since they both live on the west coast.  The stores weren’t crazy crowded like they usually are during post holidays sales.  It was raining which bugged me but they loved since they seldom see it in ever-sunny LA.

Anyway, we were on a tight schedule to do a thousand things during the length of a two year old’s naptime.  We had a list and we were checking it twice.  We were clicking along at a great pace until panic set in that the baby was awake and we had to go home.  I was at a stoplight.  Home was straight ahead but “the voice” said turn right. Really it did.  And I did.  We called home and low and behold the child was still sleeping and Pops was prepared to take over if he woke up.  We pulled into the parking lot and went to a shoe store the girls and I had not visited together in years.  Within minutes, they found exactly what they needed/wanted.  On a roll, we went to another mall and as soon as we stepped into the first store I called my dentist for the fourth time that day to see if he could see me about a tooth problem I had been plagued with all during the holidays and he said he had just had a cancellation, could I come in five?  Which I could and did.  The girls went on. List in tow, check, check, check.

At the end of the day, I had a fixed molar, they had three exchanges, two new pairs of jeans and Pops had 45 minutes alone with his grandson.

A win/win.  All because “the voice” for no apparent reason said turn right.

So the next time you are too embarrassed to move away from the person who has whooping cough behind you in a movie theater and “the voice” says it saw two empty seats five rows back, heed it.  If it says put on your seat belt and you argue you are only two blocks from home, do it.  If someone is smiling and “the voice” says if you open your mouth you’ll kill their day, clamp it.  And the real killer, when you finish an email and hesitate for even a second to push send, hit save and sleep on it.

Or, if your dear friend is driving you hither and yon to help you get to doctors and supplies after surgery and, as she is distractedly calling for directions to the next stop, she pulls away from the gas tank with the nozzle still in her car tank making a big mess all over the concrete of the Amoco and the side of her car.  Don’t ask her if she is normally a good driver.

I think it goes without saying I did that, but my voice told me to tell you.

30% and counting.  Hope springs eternal.