Monthly Archives: April 2012

Lard Ass

I may have mentioned this before but it warrants repeating that my son in law has partnered with a high school friend to launch a clothing line, Salmon Cove.  Check it out at:

Since I have worked in  retail on and off during my life and most recently have simply worked at walking in stores and walking out with shopping bags, I am known in the family as somewhat, OK I am, a clothing aficionado.

a·fi·ci·o·na·do/əˌfiSH(ē)əˈnädō/ A person who is very knowledgeable and enthusiastic about an activity, subject or pastime.

So when he, as a college business major and not a former GQ model (although he could be ), has a question about the website wording, colors, styles, sizing, new products– he turns to me. Yesterday’s question concerned the sizing chart for his women’s polo shorts, pictured above. And I am always willing to help because (A.)I enjoy it and (B.) It puts food on my grandson’s table.
We started our discussion as a Google chat.  You know that box that pops up out of nowhere when you are in the middle of writing the next great American novel or looking up the bio for Joel Stein the LA columnist who is the funniest man you have ever read (don’t look him up–you will never read me again).
Anyway, up comes the box and there is CLR asking me what the measurements for a small shirt should be.  That question, even for an aficionado is a tough one.  It’s sort of like “one size fits all,” to which I ask, “All what? Weight lifters, anorexics, housefraus, parking garage attendants –all who?!”
But luckily Salmon Cove is sized in the traditional manner, XS, S, M, L, XL which still poses its own issues as we all know J. Crew and Lane Bryant have different ideas of these numbers.
So I threw out some numbers and we chatted back and forth.  Well, he typed his questions legibly and I typed back my dyslexic version of online chatting that he has come to understand which I am not sure is a good thing.  Except when I asked what colors his “shits” came in.  He paused and mumbled (you can mumble in google chat) something about it depending on what he had eaten…
Anyway, we bantered for awhile until we got down to business where I had pulled out a tape measure to measure my own bust and waist (DO NOT try this trick at home) and realized I was an XL according to his chart so I knew his numbers needed some adjustment.
Right about here in our conversation, he sent me a website underlined in blue.  I clicked on it and Voila!  There was a very professional looking spreadsheet with columns that had blocks to fill in measurements for each size.  As some were empty, I jumped right in and started moving numbers around to suit my visions, wondering how I was going to cut and paste it all back to him and then he has a chat bar on this site, too!  Modern technology never ceases to intrigue and amaze me.  And he says something like, “Looks like you are stuck on the waist size for a medium.” Huh?  Now this is really big brotheresque; he is watching me type.
So he watches from California, I fiddle with numbers in the midwest, we chat on the side and discuss people we know as prototypes for the sizing and after about an hour, we and the magic excel sheet have worked it all out and we are both pleased.  (We know this because we can Excel sheet chat and say, “Looks good.”)
Just when I thought it was safe to go back to my novel writing, he types, “Should we include hip measurements for shirts?”
Having put my tape measure as far away from my body as possible, even rolled it into a tight circle and wrapped it with two rubberbands, I look at the question and think, 1. not necessary 2. not going there this morning.
I started to simply say “no,” but instead I moved my cursor to the boxes for XS, S , M, L ,XL under hips on the magic excel sheet and typed:
XS  Skinny Ass
S    Bubble Butt
M   Yo Mama’s Butt
L    Yo Grandma’s Butt
XL  Lard Ass
I closed the document, walked way and ate a heaping tablespoonful of  almond butter without the bread, of course, eyeing the circled tape measure sitting on the counter. I double check the jar’s ingredients for lard.
Home free.

dogs and diamonds…

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend and a dog is a man’s, no wonder men think women are so high maintenance. You can pick up a great puppy for free at a local shelter but I can’t say I’ve seen Cartier handing out their baubles at no charge.