{"id":962,"date":"2012-04-03T12:13:33","date_gmt":"2012-04-03T17:13:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/askmrsmom.com\/?p=962"},"modified":"2012-04-03T18:30:37","modified_gmt":"2012-04-03T23:30:37","slug":"lard-ass","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/askmrsmom.com\/?p=962","title":{"rendered":"Lard Ass"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I may have mentioned this before but it warrants repeating that my son in law has partnered with a high school friend to launch a clothing line, Salmon Cove. \u00a0Check it out at: \u00a0http:\/\/www.salmoncove.com<\/a><\/p>\n

Since I have worked in \u00a0retail on and off during my life and most recently have simply worked at\u00a0walking\u00a0in stores and walking out with shopping bags, I am known in the family as somewhat, OK I am, a clothing aficionado.<\/p>\n

a\u00b7fi\u00b7ci\u00b7o\u00b7na\u00b7do<\/em>\/\u0259\u02ccfiSH(\u0113)\u0259\u02c8n\u00e4d\u014d\/ A person who is very knowledgeable and enthusiastic about an activity, subject or pastime.<\/p>\n

So when he, as a college business major and not a former GQ model (although he could be ), has a question about the website wording, colors, styles, sizing, new products– he turns to me. Yesterday’s question concerned the sizing chart for his women’s polo shorts, pictured above. And I am always willing to help because (A.)I enjoy it and (B.) It puts food on my\u00a0grandson’s\u00a0table.<\/div>\n
We started our discussion as a Google chat. \u00a0You know that box that pops up out of nowhere when you are in the middle of writing the next great American novel or looking up the bio for Joel Stein the LA columnist who is the funniest man you have ever read (don’t look him up–you will never read me again).<\/div>\n
Anyway, up comes the box and there is CLR asking me what the\u00a0measurements\u00a0for a small shirt should be. \u00a0That question, even for an aficionado is a tough one. \u00a0It’s sort of like “one size fits all,” to which I ask, “All what? Weight lifters, anorexics, housefraus, parking garage attendants –all who?!”<\/div>\n
But luckily Salmon Cove is sized in the traditional manner, XS, S, M, L, XL\u00a0which\u00a0still poses its own issues as we all know J. Crew and Lane Bryant have\u00a0different\u00a0ideas of these numbers.<\/div>\n
So I threw out some numbers and we chatted back and forth. \u00a0Well, he typed his questions legibly and I typed\u00a0back\u00a0my dyslexic version of online chatting that he has come to understand\u00a0which\u00a0I am not sure is a good thing. \u00a0Except when I\u00a0asked\u00a0what colors his “shits” came in. \u00a0He paused and mumbled (you\u00a0can\u00a0mumble in google chat) something\u00a0about it depending on what he had eaten…<\/div>\n
Anyway, we bantered for\u00a0awhile\u00a0until\u00a0we got down to business where I had pulled out a tape measure to measure my own bust and waist (DO NOT try this trick at home) and realized I was an XL according to his chart so I knew his numbers needed some adjustment.<\/div>\n
Right about here in our conversation, he sent me a website underlined in blue. \u00a0I clicked on it and Voila! \u00a0There was a very professional looking spreadsheet with columns that had blocks to fill in measurements for each size. \u00a0As some were empty, I jumped right in and started moving numbers around to suit my visions, wondering how I was\u00a0going to cut and paste it all back to him and then he has a chat bar on this site, too! \u00a0Modern technology never ceases to\u00a0intrigue\u00a0and amaze me. \u00a0And he says\u00a0something\u00a0like, “Looks like you are stuck on the waist size for a medium.” Huh? \u00a0Now this is really big brotheresque; he is watching me type.<\/div>\n
So he watches from\u00a0California, I fiddle\u00a0with\u00a0numbers in the midwest, we\u00a0chat\u00a0on the side and discuss people we know as prototypes for the sizing and after about an hour, we and the magic excel sheet have worked it all out and we are both pleased. \u00a0(We know this\u00a0because\u00a0we can Excel sheet chat and say, “Looks good.”)<\/div>\n
Just\u00a0when I thought it was safe to go back to my novel writing, he types, “Should we include hip measurements for shirts?”<\/div>\n
Having put my tape measure as far away from my body as possible, even rolled it into a tight circle and wrapped it with\u00a0two rubberbands, I look at the question and think, 1. not necessary 2. not going there this morning.<\/div>\n
I started to simply say “no,” but instead I moved my cursor to the boxes for XS, S , M, L ,XL under hips on the\u00a0magic\u00a0excel sheet and typed:<\/div>\n
XS \u00a0Skinny Ass<\/div>\n
S \u00a0 \u00a0Bubble Butt<\/div>\n
M \u00a0 Yo Mama’s Butt<\/div>\n
L \u00a0 \u00a0Yo Grandma’s Butt<\/div>\n
XL \u00a0Lard Ass<\/div>\n
I closed the document, walked way and ate a heaping tablespoonful of \u00a0almond butter without the bread, of course, eyeing the circled tape measure sitting on the counter. I double check the jar’s ingredients for lard.<\/div>\n
Home free.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I may have mentioned this before but it warrants repeating that my son in law has partnered with a high school friend to launch a clothing line, Salmon Cove. \u00a0Check it out at: \u00a0http:\/\/www.salmoncove.com Since I have worked in \u00a0retail on and off during my life and most recently have simply worked at\u00a0walking\u00a0in stores and …<\/p>\n

>>Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-962","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nLard Ass - askmsmom.com<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/askmrsmom.com\/?p=962\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Lard Ass - askmsmom.com\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I may have mentioned this before but it warrants repeating that my son in law has partnered with a high school friend to launch a clothing line, Salmon Cove. \u00a0Check it out at: \u00a0http:\/\/www.salmoncove.com Since I have worked in \u00a0retail on and off during my life and most recently have simply worked at\u00a0walking\u00a0in stores and ...>>Read more\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/askmrsmom.com\/?p=962\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"askmsmom.com\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2012-04-03T17:13:33+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2012-04-03T23:30:37+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/askmrsmom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/04\/shirt-21-150x150.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Nan\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Nan\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/askmrsmom.com\\\/?p=962#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/askmrsmom.com\\\/?p=962\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Nan\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/askmrsmom.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/5031095d2f9410eb51dc2762789e1945\"},\"headline\":\"Lard Ass\",\"datePublished\":\"2012-04-03T17:13:33+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2012-04-03T23:30:37+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/askmrsmom.com\\\/?p=962\"},\"wordCount\":780,\"commentCount\":1,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/askmrsmom.com\\\/?p=962#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/askmrsmom.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2012\\\/04\\\/shirt-21-150x150.jpg\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/askmrsmom.com\\\/?p=962#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/askmrsmom.com\\\/?p=962\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/askmrsmom.com\\\/?p=962\",\"name\":\"Lard Ass - 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